My sister-and-law and I are a queer couple—and not in the way you’re thinking. Unlike most folks, we always make sure we get to the theater early so we can check out the previews before the movie we actually paid for begins.

As such, I’ve seen a lot of previews in my day, and I’ve gained a sense for whether a movie will be worth watching or easily avoided based on those few moments culled together by some back-room lackey.

Although I haven’t seen any of the movies being released this weekend or next (unfortunately—and thankfully—I’m neither Ebert nor Roeper), I’ve seen previews for quite a few of them many times over. So consider this to be a kind of premonition of what you’ll be seeing if you buy tickets to any of the following three films in the coming weeks: Ghost Rider, Music and Lyrics and The Number 23.

I have to begin by admitting I have absolutely no love for Nicolas Cage. Even in his supposed “best moments” (Moonstruck, Leaving Las Vegas, Adaptation) I find him completely unwatchable. I’m not even sure why. It’s like my aversion to sweetbreads or tripe—I just know.

So, that out of the way, Mr. Cage will be showing up on the big screen again this weekend in what looks to be a completely pointless, by-the-numbers flick featuring yet another comic book character. Who green lights these things anyway? Oh, I understand wanting to bring out a movie based on Spider-Man (or another on Superman), but Ghost Rider?

It doesn’t help that the trailer is horrible—full of cheesy one-liners and what looks to be some truly awful computer graphics. If only the director had decided to replace Nic’s voice with something created by a computer—then I might plunk down some change on this one.

I thought a trailer couldn’t get worse than the one made for Ghost Rider, but after seeing the trailer for Music and Lyrics I’m quite sure this one takes the prize (I wonder what the prize looks like? It ain’t pretty, that much I’m sure of.)

Someone at Warner Bros. Pictures obviously graduated from the School of Generic Movie Trailers recently (and likely was the teacher’s pet). Completely unfunny one-liners? Check! Goofy scenes where the main characters (played by Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore) embarrass themselves (stumbling is especially common)? Check!

Seriously, the first time I saw the trailer and heard Drew say, after sitting on Hugh’s waterbed, “Hang on a second, I’m just a little seasick,” I turned to my husband and said, “Is that really one of the best lines in the movie?”

If it is, I can say with 100-percent accuracy the movie is a stinker. If it’s not, I hope whoever put the line in the trailer is looking for a new job? (Oh, I don’t really mean that—but you have to admit it’s a terrible line!)

Jim Carrey’s new flick, The Number 23, doesn’t come out for another week, but the trailer has been plastered all over theater and TV screens for so long I think it’s safe to say those paying attention have made a few assumptions about the film already.

Before I go on, I’d like to say that I’m one of the select few who loves to see Carrey tackle serious roles. Although I liked Ace Ventura (the first one, not the gag-inducing sequel), I’ve quickly grown tired of his rubber-mouthed antics. I actually paid money to see The Truman Show and The Majestic—and thoroughly enjoyed the former, if not quite the latter.

Anyway, The Number 23 may be serious, but it’s certainly not as staid as any of his previous serious movies. In this one, his character becomes obsessed with a book that appears to be based on his life, though it concludes with a tragedy that has yet to occur.

After repeated viewings of the trailer, I think this one might be OK. The one thing making me waver is bit is that Joel Schumacher is at the helm. Sure, he’s directed a few winners during his lengthy career, but I’m still trying to forget the train crash that was Batman & Robin.

If Carrey and co-star Virginia Madsen can overcome that handicap, The Number 23 may just be the movie to see in the next few weeks (and, yes, I realize that isn’t saying much).

Until next time!