As I live and breathe, finally—Jesus has given me a reason to get into sports. And that reason is David Beckham.

And you’ve better believe the folks who signed away on a deal that will pay Beckham a reported $250 million dollars over the next five years to play a sport that isn’t even technically popular stateside have taken a gander at his photos and know exactly who’s going to turn out to see him play when he joins the Los Angeles Galaxy in June… gay men!

Yes, I will go from turning out for a football game back in 2001 just because someone told me we’d have free booze in the Skybox to a field side regular, complete with binoculars, Binaca, a box of Trojans and a pair of metal cleats in case Posh gets too close. This is a man with the power to make me a sporting fanatic, and you’d damn well better believe gays from all over America are right behind me.

Beckham’s $250 million deal is just another reminder of how Hollywood the sporting profession is becoming. Ask ten people how my professional soccer games they’ve attended in the past five years, and unless they spend a fair amount of time across the pond, my gut instinct is the answer is zero. So here we stand, about to write Becks a check large enough to keep his rail thin wife in Dolce & Gabbana for the next 250 years for a sport nobody watches. And why? Because David Beckham is hot, and if the Galaxy plays its cards right, people who previously had no interest in the sport will turn out to watch him play, and by association, will turn out to watch the teams he plays play.

If only Brad Pitt, Ryan Reynolds and Chris Evans could Bend it like Beckham, we could spread the love to teams across the United States and eclipse baseball as that great old American pastime.

It wouldn’t be a typical week in Hollywood without someone packing their bags and heading for rehab—Lindsay, Mary Kate, Robert Downey Jr.… the list of celebs who’ve gone away to restack their deck is endless, and now, you can add Mini Me Verne Troyer to that list… for the second time.

Entertainment Tonight reported that Verne is en route to Sweden for a three-and-a-half week stay as I type this, and while we’re not sure exactly what prompted the decision, we can’t help but wonder if taking a second gander at those Surreal Life tapes didn’t seal the deal. I mean, granted, the show taped nearly four years ago, but the pint sized star tossed his cookies and drained his baby dragon on the rug, not once but twice, when he appeared on the show. Rapper Da Brat had to calm him down—now that’s sad.

Now, according to reports, we come to find that the 38-year-old actor damn near died of alcohol poisoning when his engagement to model Genevieve Gallen ended last year. What exactly constitutes alcohol poisoning for a guy who’s 2’8”? A double shot of Grenadine?

All joking aside, our thoughts and best wishes for a speedy recovery go out to Verne… and perhaps when he’s done, he can rally the party bitches of Hollywood and show them how you’re supposed to behave after supposedly becoming clean and sober.

As if the Donald Trump, Rosie O’Donnell, Barbara Walters sand box war could get any worse, now Madonna has something to add. Good lord, Madge, what could you possibly have to contribute to this conversation… You don’t even watch TV.

Well Madge does have something to say—stop being mean to Rosie, it’s not fair.

Well, at least she’s got the lingo down.

Madonna’s pissed that people are attacking her bosom buddy from way back in their League of Their Own days and told The Today Show’s Meredith Vieira she wishes they’d all just back off.

“People are giving Rosie a hard time,” she said. “I wish they'd stop, I don't think it's fair. I don't know exactly the context of what she said. I have to hear it from the horse's mouth. She's a standup comic. All standup comics talk about provocative things in their monologues before shows.”

If flipping your bob over to one side of your face and questioning Donald Trump’s moral authority to grant a last minute reprieve to a boozing Miss USA is your idea of provocative, well alright Madge. Frankly, I think your demonstration of oral sex on a water bottle in Truth or Dare pushed a few more buttons, but you say tomatoe. Funnier is the fact that this damn thing is still going on.

Look, let’s save everyone some trouble. Rosie, you’ve got big mouth, Donald, you’ve got a bigger mouth and instead of letting Rosie say her peace and being done with it, you’ve been running at the mouth for weeks and slowly chiseling away what little respect Americans had left for you. Barbara—I don’t doubt there are times you wish you could slip a bag over Rosie’s head and take a swing at her, but the bottom line is The View is better than it’s been in, well… ever. Madonna… stick to what you know—adopt another baby!

Since David Beckham is one my mind and he’s about to become my neighbor, it seems only fitting he should be our hottie of the week. No grand intros… no lofty commentary. These photos speak volumes.

Thanks for joining us this week and we’ll see you at the game. Just remember—stop and smell the gossip!

Until next time!