It’s been a long, lonely nine months since that gorgeous, troubled group of gay gals on The L Word graced living rooms across the nation, but as of Sunday, the drought was over.

Those jonesing for a little L in their lives got a fix of season 4’s season premiere. While countless house parties where crowds of lustful lesbians huddled together to catch the trajectory of Bette, Alice and Shane’s lives, no doubt sprouted up on every city block, the Human Rights Campaign hosted official premiere parties in several cities, replete with sexy cast members on hand to warm up the crowd.

Hundreds of lesbians with baited breath formed a line that snaked along Universal City Walk to get into Los Angeles’ Hard Rock Cafe for a chance to spy Kate Moennig, who plays the beloved lothario with the big heart, Shane—or to maybe nab the bathroom stall beside her.

Film legend Cybill Shepherd, looking nearly as lovely as she did when she captured Middle America’s hearts in the early 1970’s feature, The Last Picture Show, showed up with her stunning daughter. Shepherd plays Phyllis—Bette’s boss—a married woman struggling with coming out, who gets a little play from one of the gang.

Perennial fave and out lesbian Jane Lynch, who plays Bette’s ball-busting attorney Joyce Wischnia, posed for pics and to sign autographs enroute to the ladies room. And new cast members Rose Rollins—a new flame for Alice—and Janina Gavankar, who plays Papi, a major hub on Alice’s chart, who’s got Shane beat in the been-around-the-block department, greeted throngs of screaming fans. Fashion maven, who’s contributing her own pieces to the “L”ements of Style, Honey Labrador, mixed it up at the premiere. Director of the upcoming Itty Bitty Titty Committee Jamie Babbitt also indulged in a little L.

The crowd went wild when Moennig slinked in, doing an uncanny rendering of her alter-ego Shane and again when the familiar and polarizing Betty theme song signaled the end of Ilene Chaiken’s nine-month gestation period for the new season. One poor fan shouted, “Dana, I want Dana,” repeatedly. While Dana’s definitely dead on the show, it’s good to know that she lives in the hearts of fans. Although those still mourning her might want to try a pet before they ever endure a real loss.

The much-anticipated season premiere kicked off with Shane, still clad in her wedding regalia, floating in the Pacific. Pick your metaphor here. She was literally drowning, or maybe she wanted to wash her sins away after ditching Carmen at the altar. Maybe she just needed a good bath. Too bad Carmen wasn't there to scrub her back.

Meanwhile, at the scene of the crimes at Season 3’s close, Kit and Alice pack to leave the Whistler hotel where the wedding debacle occurred. A quick line about Lara taking a job as a chef in San Francisco, explains away the end of the affair with Alice. Too bad, because Leisha Hailey and Lauren Lee Smith had some bangin’ on-screen chemistry.

The gang—including a handsomer Max whose acting has magically improved over the break and Jenny—attempt a phone intervention ostensibly to bring Bette back to reality. After all, she did baby-nap her own baby to the tune of Joni Mitchell’s “All I Want.” A pissed off Tina—Laurel Holloman flashing some pretty sharp acting chops— overhears her former friends siding with Bette and threatens to throw Bette’s ass in jail, which would be fun. After her season one masturbation scene against the prison wall, Bette proved she’s got the mettle to hold her own with the big-house lesbian set.

Beloved Bette, on the precipice of beginning her new job as a college Dean and on the verge of losing her mind, feeding the baby French fries in a Northern California dive screams for a fucking sippy cup. That’s the classic type-A Bette that’s so damn appealing.

Presumably in Malibu, Shane emerges from the Pacific like a beautiful fucked-up lesbian mermaid. Her former flame Sherri Jaffe, Rosanna Arquette, calls from a house on the beach, to come fuck her. But Shane’s not up for lovin’. She’s in a self-destructive mood to shove coke up her nostril and drink beer out of the can. Everything old is new again as cocaine is the retro-it drug of the Hollywood socialite and Sherri Jaffee fits that bill.

With Shane on the lam, Jenny dumps Max while cleaning up Carmen’s D.J. gear. Although Max probably saw that one coming since Jenny spent most of her time in Whistler tied up with Claude the French writer. Jenny tells a bemused Max, “You identify as a straight man. I identify as a lesbian who likes to fuck girls. You’re not a girl.” Right on Jenny. She’s so self-aware.

Poor little rich girl Helena gets loads of mileage out of her poverty plot turn, since her literal sugar-mama Peggy Peabody left Helena penniless and ran off with a lesbian lover to Antigua. At the airport, practical Alice teaches the newly indigent about forgoing the limo and the porter when Helena exits the plane asking, “Shit, where’s my driver?”

Alice and Helena are a modern-day odd couple, which makes for cracker-jack comic antics. Poor Helena takes a business meeting with her accountant at her Malibu manse to discover that mama Peabody sold the movie studio out from under her. Lucky for Helena, she’s still got a bottle of fine Scotch to drown her troubles in.

Bette’s holed up in a dingy motel, when big sis Kit shows up to bail her out and get the sexy kidnapper to her lawyer’s office.

The Planet gears up for Jenny’s book launch. And at the Planet, Alice explains how “Our Chart” works. Helena remarks that Alice’s occasional playmate Gabby Deveaux—Guin Turner lurking on the show-- has quite a few “constellations.” Sweet Alice responds, “Yeah, she’s a whore.” Our Chart’s the ultimate product placement for the impending ourchart.com , which Chaiken and the gang are helming. With 950+ hook-ups, Shane’s hub becomes it’s own universe with a sun and moons but alas, someone on Carmen’s list is into the thousands. Alice, obsessed with discovering the mystery sex-aholic Papi’s real identity, gives luscious lip during her radio show. Several provocative close-ups of Leisha’s lips, coupled with her sultry voice, make you wish for some late-night pillow talk with Alice.

Back at Max’s tech world, his boss offers to set spurned and newly single Max up with his daughter who’s home from break from Mount Holyoke College. Yeah on the shout out to my alma mater but, ummmm, MHC girls tend to like girls.

Everyone’s a sister at the Seven Sisters.

At Joyce Wischnia’s office Mama T. wrenches Angelica from Mama B. and then the gloves come off. It’s Bette and Tina in verbal boxing glory. But as always, Bette wins the war of words. Bette accuses Tina of racing to the “safety of white heterosexuality” and says that Tina’s unqualified to mother a bi-racial child, to which Tina responds that she was qualified to live with a bi-racial partner. “Obviously you weren’t qualified for that either,” Bette hurls at Tina. Damn.

Always thinking about her career, Wischnia laments Johnny Cochran’s death because she says, he could have acted as Tina’s lawyer and helped to feed the media frenzy over the bi-racial, bi-sexual, lesbian custody battle that will no doubt ensue. She refers to Bette and Tina as “Mommie Dearest One and two.” Once they wrap their heads around the idea of Angelica as a pull-toy for special interests groups, the moms decide to share custody. Poor Tina. Angus—clearly in Mama B’s camp. Who wouldn’t be— is too busy to watch Angelica when Tina’s got her, so her hunk “O” man Henry offers up his nanny as a back up.

Meanwhile, on the Shane front, the rich know how to spend it and Sherri Jaffe throws a mega-party, complete with serving trays of cocaine. Shane wakes up to a houseful of semi-nude revelers, snorts a little and heads out in search of her jilted lover Carmen. She tears down the Pacific Coast Highway in Sherri Jaffe’s Beemer.

After a night of BDSM sex with Claude, who’s there for the signing, Jenny and Claude engage in a little food sex ala 9 1/2 Weeks, with caviar and moldy crème fraiche, and possibly a little Clamato juice, which was lurking in the back of the fridge.

A pregnant and puking Kit, finds the one abortion clinic in LA that’s run by right-to-lifers. Not realizing that she’s walked into a Christian Right hellhole, Kit prepares to abort her lovechild. But when Miss Kitty gets a whiff of what’s going on she flees the clinic screaming “Shut the fuck up,” to the nice white male doctor, calling the folks that run the clinic “bible-pushing” and “anti-woman.”

Guilt-ridden and contrite, Shane shows up at Carmen’s abode only for Carmen’s hot cousin to kick her out calling Shane a loser. She proves him wrong by hitting a liquor store and driving around LA swigging canned beer and airplane-sized bottles of booze, all with a cigarette sexily dangling from her bottom lip. Her bender ends when she jumps a divider on the Hollywood Freeway and smashes the Beemer. Bruised and bloody, Shane begins her odyssey home, trudging through Hollywood.

At Jenny’s book signing, paranoid Tina accuses Helena of jumping away from the hets like they have “heterosexual cooties, or something.” But impoverished Helena was just trying to get a drink from the bar.

That broad brush-stroke of a phony European, Marina waltzes into The Planet looking like a gangster, circa Al Capone’s heyday, just in time to steal Jenny’s big moment and her thunder. Marina’s become a benefactor to a troupe of dancers and she’s in LA for a couple of days to scope out the venues. Marina gallantly tells Jenny that the book is a bit of Dorothy Allison and Mary Gaitskill and notes that a review compared her to Truman Capote. Claude quickly points out that the review compared Jenny with Holly Golightly. Struck by Marina’s forthright flirting, Claude insists that Jenny pull a ménage for them. Of course Marina bites for a three-way, so Jenny and Claude hit Marina’s room at the Bel Air Hotel, for a little double-dose of European love. But our little Jenny’s growing up. She opts out of the action to read her New York Times review, leaving accent one and accent two to get it on without her.

The prodigal daughter, friend, lover, Shane returns home to find her father’s spurned wife crying on the front porch. Shane apologizes to her step-mom Carla, as if it were Carmen sitting there. Carla tells her to go to hell and lets her know there’s a gift from Shane’s father Gabe on the back porch. Shane walks through her desolate apartment to crack open a can of something from the fridge. She opens the door to the back porch to find her little bro Shay sleeping. In one fell swoop, Shane’s a mama too.

Stay tuned for next week's lowdown when we find out more than we could possibly want (and certainly still not enough) about the mysterious Papi.

Coming Up:

Episode 2 - "Livin' La Vida Loca" — In episode 402, Bette adjusts to her new job in academia for a formidable new boss (Cybill Shepherd); Jenny's book receives a scathing review; Tina must fire Helena from the studio, leaving her nowhere to go but accept a roommate offer from Alice.

Until next time!