Ellen sleeps with strangers—in public. Looney-toon Tyra turns television into a literal 'boob tube,' and on Broadway, Fantasia wants some 'Shuga' in her bowl.

American Idol gives back—but not the wasted hours they've wrenched from hapless, comatose viewers. Naughty Norwegian-born Kristanna Loken should stick to banging Shane in the back seat of a car. Mother Angelina of the High Holy Order of Full-lipped Filmmakers makes the documentary form suddenly sexy at the Tribeca Film Fest…. and that's just the beginning of the week's lip-licking lesbian dirty laundry.

For those of you who are headless and haven't heard, Big Rosie "O" bid a heartfelt f**k you to The View, which sent Joy and Elisabeth straight to their piggy banks to count pennies until Rosie departs and the gabfest tanks. And Trump-sucking Barbara Walters will be left wondering just how her great idea bit the dust.

And in a bit of timely humping, Elisabeth announced she's three months preggers… Pretty fishy indeed. Rosie's such a big ole top, it wouldn't be at all surprising Lis' bundle of joy resulted from what I'd like to think is all of that under the Hot Topics table fondling. But congrats to Lez for bringing another right-winger into the world. Lord knows there aren't enough of them.

With Ro's departure and Lis' impending maternity leave, ABC ought to clean house on the show. Here's my pick for the new View—Courtney Love, Lindsay Lohan, Amy Winehouse and Naomi Campbell. Just imagine the smeared mascara, bags under the eyes, the post-alcohol binge scent of booze exuding from their pores and wafting on to the set and the endless bruises from Naomi's flying cell phone.

Once a revered super model, Tyra Banks is one hot-assed, loopy bitch who's one boob grab away from spinning off the rails—and I love her. She's a beautiful train wreck. The talk show host and Oprah wannabe gave Rosie's buxom bust an extra-special and extended groping when she appeared on the View couch. Maybe it's just me, but I think I heard Elisabeth tell Tyra to "Step down bitch!" as they rolled to commercial—or maybe that was Kat McPhee calling in to tell her bitch Tyra to quit feeling up another woman.

Because Tyra loves adversity and she thinks like Oprah and Geraldo's sexy, f'ed up love child, Tyra invited the wacko, wrath-filled Phelps family to her show to attempt to reason with them. They responded by calling her a "fag enabler." Which is about as revelatory as this piece of news.

Michelle Rodriguez likes girls! You don't say. The smokin' Girl Fight star—who's rumored to have dipped into Kristanna Loken's latex Rise of the Machines skivvies—cops to bush whacking for real in the new issue of Curve.

Meanwhile, Kristanna's Painkiller Jane series on Sci-fi is so mind-numbingly dull, I'd rather take the Novocain drip—or the anal probe—than watch. Replete with a cheesy voiceover, Jane earnestly and often declares her opposite sex attraction. Kristanna should have kept to getting naked and hung up on Shane's stick shift.

Speaking of painkillers, Ellen's probably hopped up on Percosets this week, following a severe back injury that's rendered her bed-ridden. The injury is likely a Portia-related accident. Those younger women and swings'll getcha every time Ellen. But what a little trooper.

Rather than cancel her show, Ellen's taking to the stage in her hospital bed. Among the guests who'll be chatting it up with Ellen this week, is newly-rumored lesbo Lindsay Lohan. How kind of Ellen to get flat on her back so that Linds can communicate the way she knows best.

The poorly-produced but star-studded American Idol Gives Back raked in kajillions—or a week of Simon's pay—for charity. And I must cop to choking up a few times despite Celine Dion's cringe-worthy and "Unforgettable" duet with her invisible friend Elvis. Idol spawns and divas in their own right Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood proved that there is life after AI.

Eat-her-with-a-spoon cute Gwen Stefani pitched in with an appearance as did Annie Lennox—who after 25 years still drips with what "Sweet Dreams" are made of.

And here's a girl who knows how to give—we'd like to think—and to give back. Empress Angelina's taking the nerd factor out of film fests and documentaries and replacing it with hormone factor as she premieres her doc A Place in Time, at Tribeca this week.

Girl's looking bone-snappingly skinny these days, so here's hoping she hits up all of the crudités platters at the Tribeca events and chases it with red wine—her purported drink of choice.

If you missed Grindhouse during its 10-second release, ogling bad-assed Kiwi stunt woman Zoe Bell riding shotgun on the hood of a vintage, white Dodge Challenger is a pure fetishistic guilty-pleasure.

Bell's doubled up for some pretty tough acts like Lucy Lawless' Xena and uber-sexy Uma Thurman's yellow, jumpsuit-clad action hero in both Kill Bill's. Grindhouse's money shot consists of Bell and her cohorts, Rent's Tracie Thoms and the stunning Rosario Dawson, beat the ever-living crap out of Kurt Russell's sick bastard character. Yeah, it's the stuff that 12-year-old boy's wet dreams are made of—but it's oh so fun.

Finally, AI powerhouse Fantasia's dipping into Shug's bowl on Broadways in The Color Purple. Since the musical adheres more closely to the book that Steven Spielberg's white-washed 1985 film that starred , Fantasia dips her toes into lesbian waters making her a sister in more ways than one.

Until next time!