An erstwhile lady lover and former Lost star, “cries wolf” over an accidental outing. Cutie pie Parminder Nagra gets a long overdue girl on girl kiss on ER but alas, it’s not with Abby. Holy Humanitarian Hot Ass Angelina’s arrival at a New York City hotel forces a rightwing Supreme Court justice to step the f*** back and wait for the Empress to get settled. And that’s just some foreplay…

Seventies girls-in-prison fetish films went the way of the shag rug and bean bag chair but fasionista and spoiled Hollywood brat Paris Hilton’s vehicular indiscretions might just bring them back. The next time Paris hears a “clink” it won’t be the sound of change but of the prison doors slamming her ass in a cell.

A morally superior Los Angeles County judge sentenced poor little Paris to 45 days in the joint for driving her big-ass Bentley while her license was suspended under a DUI. Dumb-like-a-fox, Princess P. tried to blame it on her publicist Eliot Mintz, claiming he didn’t warn her not to drive. Damn, these publicists take some pot shots.

Did the judge deliver justice to privileged Paris or is he making his—Paris bending over to retrieve her soap-on-a-rope in the shower—fantasies come to fruition?

On the bright side, she can make her own vanity plate for the Bentley, prison food is probably really easy to puke up, she’ll have oodles of time to think up another catch phrase surpassing, “that’s hot,” in originality, BFF Nicole Richie’s slated for a hearing Friday on last Autumn's weed and Vicodin fueled DUI that caused her to head on to an off ramp heading in the wrong direction on the Hollywood Freeway. Maybe she and Ms. P. can be roomies.

When Lost’s uber-straight, man lover, Michelle Rodriguez did time in the joint near Compton where Paris is headed, Michelle was set loose only after several hours, due to overcrowding.

Bad girl Rodriguez is in a real Girl Fight with Curve Magazine for stating the obvious—I mean for outing her—which they didn’t.

The albeit gorgeous, big-mouthed button-pusher who’s copped to a tryst with husky-voiced hot stuff Kristanna Loken, is pissed at Curve and claims through her publicist that she had no idea they would put her on the cover and use her image to “sell magazines.” Huh? Maybe girl lived on that Lost island too long because she sure as hell’s not living in reality here. That sounds like a Paris excuse like blaming her incarceration on her publicist. If there’s a Girl Fight sequel Michelle’s boxing name could be “Crybaby Rodriguez.”

For a self-proclaimed bad ass who’s turned heads by cozying up to girls—like Next Top Model’s Caridee, Michelle’s crying wolf now that her own P.R. machine has bitten her in the ass. She could’ve shrugged it off like class acts Jodie Foster and Queen Latifah but she’s taken to broadcasting—on her grammatically egregious blog—“I like men!” Fine Michelle. We don’t need you anyway, but to paraphrase Shakespeare, “the lezzie doth protest too much.”

Empress Angie of the Holy Order of High Cheekbones is proof positive that a girl can have her girl on girl and eat it too. No worse for the wear of her proud proclamation circa 2000, that she loves women, Angie’s got an Oscar in her pocket, 40-odd adopted kids and one of her own, one of Hollywood’s two hottest leading men—the other being Ms. Johnny Depp of course—and a really cool title of Goodwill Ambassador. Oh, and she actually helps folks too.

Angie’s so kick-ass important U.S. Marshals forced rightwing, Roe v. Wade-overturning, Bush-butt-boy Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito to stand down and wait to enter the Waldorf Astoria while Angie got the red carpet, ushered-in treatment!

That crazy kid Keira Knightley claims she wants to be a big gal ala The Gossips’ out and proud Beth Ditto. Of a recent Gossip show where Ditto stripped down to her skivvies, Keira says, “ I stood there watching her strip, thinking oh my God, this woman is so sexy. She has the most amazing body.” Keira went on to say she wanted a body like Ditto’s. And while it’s tough to refute Ditto’s in-your-face sex appeal, what is it with scrawny twits like Keira proclaiming they want a big-girl’s bod? It’s so annoying. She probably stands at the craft services table on set wailing about how she can’t gain weight no matter how many Krispy Kremes she scarfs.

In a six-degree of Keira separation thing, her Bend it Like Beckham, eat-her-with-a-spoon cute co-star Parminder Nagra indulged in her first girl / girl onscreen kiss on ER. Yeah, some wacky little intern planted a kiss on Parminder’s character Neela in the bathroom at Abby’s wedding, where Neela was likely crying on the toilet seat for losing the love of her life Abby—the delicious Maura Tierney—to Luka. It’s high time an ambitious Sapphic sis with time on her hands and Final Cut Pro, created a montage of Abby and Neela’s love affair throughout the years.

Just so Paris couldn’t Bogart all the paparazzi for the week, Cracked Lindsay Lohan of Cocaine and Water Bottle Lovers Anonymous, is purportedly caught white-nostriled snorting coke on video. Linds says it’s a fake because, ya know, she’s completely rehabilitated.

Meanwhile, she’s a success despite herself. Her Georgia Rule costar and Transamerica Oscar nom Felicity Huffman calls Linds a real pro and an amazing actress. Of course, Linds was reprimanded by the brass during shooting for turning up late on set and making, of all people—the legendary Jane Fonda—wait. Huffman later said she was drunk on the set occasionally, so maybe she and Linds were sharing that Evian bottle.

And here are a few crumbs… Jada Pinkett Smith defends Rapunzel—I mean Katie Holmes—alleging that Katie’s not Tom Cruise’s Scientology experiment but a strong, self-made woman. Hmmm. Jada and Katie—now that’s a cute couple. Uh oh, if there’s no Blender next week it’s because L. Ron Hubbard and his minions have captured me and thrown me in the back of a white van sans my anti-depressants.

Kiss the Gilmore Girls goodbye. The networks threw in the towel on the mack daddy of mother / daughter bonding shows. But anyone who starts to miss Lauren Graham can Netflix their fill of her screaming “F*** me Santa,” to Billy Bob Thornton’s Bad Santa.

And just because Paris brought prison back, check out 1994’s deliciously perverse and self-aware women’s prison romp, Girls in Prison, co-starring Anne Heche and Ione Skye—who’ve both dabbled in same-sex finger painting in real life. Ellen’s ex Celestia—aka Heche’s—character accidentally on purpose squeezes a bar of soup through her fingers, over her shoulder toward Skye’s character in the shower. So bad it’s good.

Until next time!