If you use an unknown donor there is one major advantage and two major disadvantages. Bad news first: It ain’t cheap, particularly if conception takes a while. The second disadvantage is that if your child wants to know the identity of his or her father, that won’t be possible, unless your sperm bank participates in an “identity release” program. “These programs offer mothers the protection of using a sperm bank, while providing the children with access to the identities of their donors once the children reach adulthood. This can be a good 'middle ground' option for many women,” says Wald. The good part about using an unknown donor, though, is that the donor has no legal rights to your baby. “This is the safest way for ... a lesbian couple to assure that no one other than them will have parental rights,” says Wald.

If you use a known donor, it will be less money, and it will allow your child to know who his or her father is. But there are legal complications to going this route, since states have differing laws.

As Wald explains: “Some states have specific statutes that provide that sperm donors are not legal fathers if the donor provides his sperm to a physician and not to the woman directly. However … it is much harder for a … lesbian couple to protect themselves from the possibility of a donor suing to establish paternity. Furthermore, even in states with donor statutes, there is some argument about whether these statutes apply to donors who have ongoing contact with the child. And a number of states have statutes or cases holding that known sperm donors are, in fact, legal fathers, regardless of the intent of the parents. Many other states have no law….”

If you’ve decided to go with a known donor, you may want to draw up a contract. But the parent or parents are decided by law, usually, and contracts typically don’t play a part. A lot of states do not take a donor contract into consideration when deciding who is/are the parents.

That poses a number of problems. “The risk to a donor is that either the mothers or the state will come after him for child support if the mothers become unable to support the child themselves. …The risk to the mother(s) is that a man they never intended to be a parent to the children will have an enforceable right to visitation – or even to shared custody – against their will,” says Wald.

If you are planning to use a known donor, educate yourself on the laws in your state and also talk to an attorney. “Otherwise,” says Wald, “there is a risk of a custody battle with the donor, and the donor risks being held financially responsible for the children.” And if you live where second-parent or co-parent adoptions are permitted, get one. “This is the cleanest and simplest way to have both mothers recognized as full legal parents and to have the donor’s legal rights and responsibilities terminated by a court, thus resolving the donor’s legal role forever,” says Wald.

Until next time!