Years ago, you struggled with how to come out to your friends, your parents, and other family members. When it was all over, you exhaled a huge sigh of relief, confident that the hardest part of your life was over.

Back then, it may have been hard to even imagine having kids, much less telling them that you’re gay. But today, you are a parent, and you realize you must be honest with your children about your sexuality. Yet you find yourself delaying having the big conversation because you’re scared.

But you don’t have to be. Below you will find some good advice about the process, along with some reassuring wisdom. And remember, this Wednesday, October 11, is National Coming Out Day. What better way to celebrate it than by coming out to your kids?

Fears and truths about coming out to your kids

Your fear: My kids are too young/too old. The truth: No age is too young or too old, according to the group COLAGE (Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere). Their Web site (www.colage.org ) states that, “Kids understand love. What they don't understand is deception or hiding. …Often knowing the truth will be a relief for kids of all ages.”

Your fear: They will react badly, automatically feeling that they are disadvantaged in some way by having gay parents. The truth: Your children may not react as badly as you think. Consider this quote, found on the COLAGE web site, from Hannah, a British child of lesbian parents: “When my mum came out to me more than four years ago, I was not upset about it. The idea of having two mums was very exciting and I felt, and still feel, like it was a huge bonus for me.”

Your fear: Some of their classmates may be homophobic—even in just their everyday language—and I don’t want my kids to feel like we, as a family, are being insulted. The truth: There’s no point in sugarcoating it: Kids can be cruel, and sadly, homophobia still runs rampant in our society. But you can help make the classroom a more comfortable place for your kids by talking to school administrators and teachers ahead of time. According to the Family Pride Coalition’s (www.familypride.org ) booklet, Talking to Children about Our Families, “Parents can work with school systems to sensitize them to the impact of insulting language on their children. If this is not possible, parents can still talk to their children about their experiences and feelings, and acknowledge how difficult this may be for them.”

Your fear: By coming out, I’m going to have to talk to my kids about sex, something I was planning to do much later, or never. The truth: “Don’t think that coming out to your kids means it’s time to have ‘the big sex talk,’” says COLAGE. “Explain your sexuality in age-appropriate ways and in ways that they can understand. Talk about having feelings of love, care, and concern, along with attraction, for the same-sex.”

Your fear: Now my kids will have to “come out” about his family to all his friends and classmates. I’ll be putting them in an uncomfortable situation. The truth: Your children don’t necessarily have to tell their peers. It all depends on what they feel comfortable with, and the particular situation they are dealing with. Talking to Children outlines the many different strategies kids can use when confronted by classmates and friends. Your fear: My kids will feel like freaks, being the only ones on the block with queer parents. The truth: Gay parents are increasing in number, so for all you know, yours is not the only queer family around. In her article, “Coming Out to Your Kids,” (which can be found at www.therainbowbabies.com ), licensed family and marriage therapist Cherie Verber recommends surrounding your kids with other gay families: “Most gay and lesbian centers can connect families with other gay families; and group picnics, outings, and so on provide children with the opportunity to observe families that look more like their own.” This can help them “have a gut level understanding of the idea that yours is just one kind of family.”

Until next time!